Episode 5: Unofficially Official

Misses so fly, crash lands in my room.  Can't waste no time, she might leave soon. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Don't say you will, you do.  Hey, hey, hey, hey. Don't say will, if you will. I pray you will.

The journey seems to get heavier with each song that plays. Right now, I'm able to manage this load, but soon it will get harder to walk.  After reminiscing about my first girl. I press play on the ipod and Kanye West-Say You Will plays...Some of the songs that reminded me of my exes are not even closely related lyric wise....it just happen to be the song, I had on repeat when they came in and out of my life.  This girl is someone special to me, even though we never actually made us official, we had a relationship.

Prior to our unofficial official relationship, we were just social friends. I would send her message and we would just talk about the current and left it at that. One day, I decided to chat with her through my hectic school schedule. Little did I know, she had more planned in our conversation than expected.  Now I find it very interesting when a girl gives you their phone number without you asking them.  I guess I didn't look at our friendship getting beyond just being friends because, like I said, I'm just the average Joe Schmo guy to public.  So when she gave me her number, I was thinking cool, new text buddy.  She actually called me. And we really kicked it off. I guess you can say, I played my part good. I kept a good, relaxed mind.

She was beautiful girl. Her senior year in high school. My freshmen year in college. I didn't know how this would work out, but hey, I'm willing to give it a shot.  She was my best friend's enemy. His ex-girlfriend best friend. Lol. It was pretty crazy because I was really feeling this girl at the time and I didn't know how he would react to that situation. But all in all was cool. surprisingly. I was just ending my first semester of college, still trying to stay sane in all of my insanity. We figured that we would be official by Christmas day. It wasn't said, but it was all implied.  I was ready, she was ready, but something completely turned that decision into a U-turn.  It was all my fault, I lost control and she ran.  I became so excited that I was talking to a really hot chick lol.  So me being the nerd I am, began to say things that I didn't know if I meant. I guess all I wanted was to have her heart, and when I knew that I had it. I could let mine go and give it to her.  It was only a few days before Christmas when she ran away.  My heart quickly became heavy, but I was emotionally unstable. I was more of a content soul. Just thinking about what had happened. Another lonely year for me. Another lonely Christmas. Only the beat plays to Say You Will.... the heartbeat still shows that I'm alive...my moment of peace has been found. I can relax and try again....but when and with who?

I apologize for my insecurity. Or my security that defined the purity that's deep within me.
Let's make amends only to see. That maybe, just maybe. That camp fire is still smoking from when we left.
I must admit, that our little incident kinda grabbed me by the neck.
Here I stand, another year. All alone. The only thing I have now is friends, family, and a cell phone.
We were so close, I could see the finish line right in front me.
We were side by side when you decided to run from me.
Now what's the point of racing when you're the last one in it?
Should I continue, or should I just give in and quit it.
I thank one music artist who gave me confidence to stay strong, because without it
I could've been another dead and gone. But they ALWAYS say, what doesn't kill makes you strong.
Not having that special kind of love from being alone, does kill you. It kills your mentally.
It takes you away from reality, because in your mind. Time stopped moving.
Sometimes I wanna say forget Love, because I'm always losing!
I thought these Love songs would be my cheat codes for the game.
Only to find out the I always lose the same. With the faith I have, I continue to master the cheats
So I know that the game, would be another defeat. And if so, I'll learn my past and make better for my future.
I wish you the best, my Unofficial Official Ex.  As for me, I have to start over fresh......

Love, Live, Life

:::Byron Belle:::

Episode 4: Taking a Trip Down Memory Lane

Do you remember, when we fell in love? We were young and Innocent then. Do you remember, how it all began? It just seemed like Heaven, so why did it end? Do you remember, back in the fall? We'd be together, all day long. Do you remember, us holding hands, in Each other's eyes? We'd stare (tell me). Do you remember the time, when we fell in love? Do you remember the time, when we first met? Do you remember the time, when we fell in love? Do you remember the time?

Where do I start with this? My mind is like a time bomb waiting to explode. Time to release some things I never let go. I feel like I need to observe some things in my past so I can understand what it is I'm understanding....yet again. These stories I have in my crate are my stories of my past relationships.....I only want to observe the ones that were most effective to me. This will take awhile, as I talk about the joys, the pains, the sunshine, and the rain. via Frankie Beverly and Maze. So before I depart on my journey to the past, I need to prepare. I think I'll pack light this time around, and wherever I end up, I'll camp there and start fresh for a need day. I feel like Forrest Gump when he just ran and ran and ran and ran, because he just felt like running. I don't think I can keep running so, I'm going to walk. No hitchhiking needed this time around, but my ipod is a must. It seems like every girl, I've dated, there was a song that reminded me of them, so this will be helpful in my journey. it's amazing how the same things that can help you can also hurt you..or even kill.....

As I stare out at the world, nothing is moving....it's quiet...the weather's perfect. Almost too good to be true. Not ready to press play, I just wanna walk and feel again.....have that feeling of sanity again in my mind. I may seem calm to others but in my head, I am on the verge of losing it. Who know's what may happen if I lose it? I just want to make sure that when I come back or if I ever come back, I'm here with right mind state I need to be in for my soul.

It's funny that I chose to wait before I listened to my ipod, because my first girl......there isn't a special song that reminded me of her....and it's not a bad thing because she was definitely someone special in my life.

My very first girlfriend, I can't believe that she remembers us...because it happened way back in daycare. The puppy love.  When I moved away, I never thought that we would ever meet again. I hit middle school, and I see her again, walking away in the distance.  All of the memories I remember of her. I thought what if we were together again? Would it be like it was back in the day? lol.  But after seeing her again, i didn't see her for another few years.  The next time we meet, it would be at a ball. My best friend wanted me to be her date. Then I see her........I'm speechless, don't know what to do...should I go speak to her? Does she even remember me? All of the thoughts that were running in my head that night? Then I came up with the perfect idea.....I'll look for her on Facebook, and talk to her from there! So I find her, and I write her and the first thing I said, you probably don't remember me.....and her reply was....actually I do remember you....Now we're friends, we talk very little....maybe because we are doing our own things in life at the moment, it's difficult to re-light any flames at the moment...because we never actually did break up, I just left.......

The trip down memory lane, from the joys to pains
to the songs that reminded me of you and you and you
how else can I remember the things you do?
You are definitely someone special to me
because you made me who I am
whenever your song came on, I always pictured us together at a specific moment in time
the moment that I wanted to last forever, only if we stayed together
then my dreams would come true. Now that you're gone.
I think of who? a new you. Someone who is or could be better than the last you
or are you all the same? Maybe we're all playing the game, or ya'll are playing without me
so you begin to we. what we have, had, could have, or could have had.
I'm not saying I'm mad, just sad that we never got to a point in our life that could last.
I can only learn from you and what you done to me. I will never change through all the hurt and tears
I will grow in Love each and every year. Just wait and you will see, that what I told you how I felt
will soon come true. because after I've been through all of the yous...my last you will be who?
It will be you. Whoever, wherever you are. Better than ever, but never too far.......

Love, Live, Life

:::Byron Belle:::

Episode 3: Love Songs

It seems like the signs are getting clearer, the time is getting nearer. I finally can hear ya, when you speak, as a whisper, through the wind. I want you to do it again, I'm your true blue friend, The music is when, I get to prove to you how true it begins. Where am I? Somewhere asking, "Where are you?" "Does your man care for you?" That's what I'm here to do. Spend a lifetime telling you how sweet you are. Through sex and questions, see how deep you are. I believe you are, I know you wouldn't say what you say, everyday if your word were just play. But you don't say much, it's all vibes. And it only looks real, when the crystal ball shines. Spending all time of the night in a day dream. Thoughts of you make me trip across time.

Another day is gone, and the same things always happen. Go to class, eat lunch, and go home.  My life has been a simple schedule for the past two years now. Well that's how long I've been single, but I've been having an affair with my ex, I don't think her boyfriend knows.  I feel kinda bad that I'm having sex with another man's girl, I would hate to be in his shoes....Well I've felt like that plenty of times before. You know right after the break-up. Your girl decides that she's ready "fuck" again, but it's not you.  It still feels like a low blow, because the feelings you had for her are still strong.  But now that I've moved on with my life, sex is sex to me now.  But like I was saying, my life has been a complete schedule for the past two years.

On the way to my apartment, I decided that I would try something different.  It's a three day weekend, mostly everyone is going home and I just want to go through my old music collection. So I arrived to apartment, and quickly I turn on the radio and I place my headphones over my head.  The first song that comes on is, "Come Close" by Common. All of sudden, I'm laying on the floor zoned out, just thinking of the good relationships, the bad relationships, and the relationships that had potential of being something.  It's amazing what music can do to you mentally. I feel like God and music made me the person I am today.  My family paid a big role, but God and music, was the IT factor for me.

I remember being a kid, listening to all the love songs, I just knew that I had the answer to what love is and what I can do for my future girlfriend.  Sometimes, the good love songs talked about the potential of perfect love.  For example, I remember Tyrese-Sweet Lady song asking the girl would you be mine.  The girl in the song sounded perfect, she was the one.  I never knew, at my age, that women had flaws just like men. As far as women being hurt by men. I found out men gets hurt as well.  But Love songs, just have something special in them that doesn't show the process of growing in relationships. Maybe they do, I don't know. I was more focused on, how to love a woman and I can honestly say, that everything I know and have shown, came from the Love songs I grew up on.

Some Love Songs, just send chills down your spine because it feels so real. Just imagine your life being a musical and one song comes on while you are with the woman or man of your dreams.  You will definitely over look all the lies, arguments, and negatives in the relationship.  You would hope that a relationship would be perfect.  Sometimes when I picture myself with the girl of my dreams, wherever/whoever you are, I just know that I will have a special gut feeling in my stomach.  The kind of feeling you have when you feel like something is wrong, but that would be time when that gut feeling is for the best.  That's how I feel about true love.

I picture myself before marriage, having this special friendship/relationship with the woman of my dreams that every time I am with her, nothing in the world matters but our moment. Enjoying life without the fast lanes in our view. Maybe I've been watching too many love stories.  But then again, if we never had these stories, how are we able to express love? Do they express love the right should be the question to ask?

As I'm lying here, headphones blasting
I go into a zone, that is all about passion
In this zone, it teaches me, shows me what love's potential may be
I ask my ancestors (music), to come and please save me
I know how to love now, but can someone appreciate what I have to give?
Sometimes I feel like my love is dead, and I ask and ask, Can I live?
No matter how far I go, see no matter how long it takes
No one or nothing can change, forever whoever, wherever you are. Here I stand.
If these Love songs are right about love, then how can I go wrong.
well I've been wrong, since day one. Because yet and still, I haven't found that ONE
Maybe I'm too young to even consider settling down.
I know I'm not the only one who thinks their time is now.
In each relationship, we all think he or she is it.
We love them so much, we love to put up with the bullshit.
It's true, love will make you do some crazy crazy things
Love will make you have some crazy dreams.
Love is what love does, so that means love is everything
Now as I doze off fast asleep, the last love song plays......

Love, Live, Life

:::Byron Belle:::

Episode 2: The Silhouette

Whoever, Wherever you are. Better than ever, but never too far.  If I can just log off and walk out the room, to see if she exists, because it's  awful to assume.  So l et me just let God talk through you. Hold it together man, don't let your mind rule you too much. Cause when you think too much you screw up. But I can't stop writing theses letters to the stars. So goodnight babe whoever you are. Goodnight babe whoever you are. I said goodnight babe whoever you are. Forever you are. Forever my charm.

After my recovery, I have found myself sleeping a lot not waking up on time for anything.  Or I feel like I don't have the energy in me to get up and get ready.  I lay in bed, tossing and turning drifting into a dream that seems so real. I end up only a few meters away from the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.  The only thing is, I can't tell who she is, but her presence gives me the feeling that she is definitely someone of importance to me. Her hair blows in the wind, with the sun behind her. I feel the intensity of an eclipse, nearly blinding me.  She slowly walks away from me and I run to her and ask where is she going, what's her name, and why is she here!?!  I get no reply. I know that she exists, she's my fantasy, the woman of my dreams. The Silhouette.

My alarm goes off for the third time, I get up so I can go about my regular activities.....but always having her in mind.  When will I be able to meet the woman of my dreams? Or is she the woman of my nightmares?  Maybe she doesn't even exist and I'm just wasting my time searching for nothing....no one.  I know I'm not the only one searching for the man or woman of our dreams. Has anyone even found that special person? One thing I do not understand is when we say we want something and have it, it's not what we REALLY want, because the things we describe are perfect to us, but we know that perfect doesn't exist so we forget or wish for something less than perfect, so we won't feel bad about hurting that as much as we would if it was perfect.  Simply for our satisfaction, our happYness.  Another way to look at it is when we hear about the perfect love in movies and realizing that the perfect is impossible in reality, it obliterates our ideal silhouette.

Now back to reality, here I am in class daydreaming about random things from how am I going to do this homework tonight, study for my bio test, why won't these people selling magazines leave me alone! And of course.......Sex.  It's been a long time since I had sex, so sex is constantly on my mind.  Picturing myself having sex with the hottest girl in my classroom. I know that sex with her is impossible.  She comes from a different background....flirts with the jocks on campus.  Me? To the world, I'm just the average Joe Schmo kind of guy.  I get the girls who are okay...they usually have more flaws about them than perfections.  Me being the guy that I am, try to overlook the flaws and give it a chance, because I realize you can't judge a book by it's cover even if read the book a million times.  You never know that person's mind state, where it came from, why it's the way it is...But for me, I've read that book everyday of my life, and I know what to expect from it. So it never surprises me that I am putting in more than I really should.

Now I must find the book about you.

Her, the girl of my dreams. So I can know that you are true.

I've been through the ups and downs of Love all my life.

That book I've been reading has always been right.

The music, the movies, my thoughts I write all down and take notes

Love is becoming a scientific problem and I'm getting close.

To solving it, and having an answer for all of us to look at.

But the closer I am, I discover something wrong and I have to back-track.

Then I back to where the question all started from.

What is love, where is it and how long?

Is it the forever changing world we live in that causes me this confusion

Or is the view of Love from MY eyes all an illusion.

Can you tell me what Love is, my beautiful Silhouette?

I would like for the world to know what it's like so they can never forget.

Not only the Love from the opposite sex, but love from being together in unity.

Friends, family, enemies, you, and me. The love we all need to feel.

Something so warming that is safe to feel. Now love just floats around the air,

Whenever YOU'RE ready to fall, I'll be there.  Now I know that you are Love, my Silhouette

Which is why I haven't seen who you are yet.

Love, Live, Life

:::Byron Belle:::