One Last Cry

My shattered dreams and broken heart. Are mending on the shelf. I saw you holding hands, standing close to someone else. Now I sit all alone wishing my feelings was gone. I gave my best to you, nothing for me to do. But have one last cry. One last cry, before I leave it all behind. I've gotta put you outta my mind this time. Stop living a lie. I guess I'm down to my last cry.

There comes a time in our lives where we want to find that special person to grow old with and be happy. That's what we all dream of, never wanting to deal with the bad times that comes along with it. If my theory is right, EVERY person we dreamed of being with for the rest of our life, we ONLY imagine the perfect moments. I always thought my journey had ended with her. Life seemed to be great for me at times. I had made up my mind that no matter what came in our way, I was gonna do my best to be there for her and her daughter. I guess I always wanted a family for my own. I was ready to grow up and be a man, at the age of nineteen. I always wanted to grow up as long as I can remember. Listening to love songs late at night before I went to bed. I just knew that growing up and love was the only thing on my mind......

Many people ask me, what made me want to date a girl with a daughter. I never planned on it, but your mind and heart work so differently that ultimately, if you're a true believer in love, then you're heart will always win.  It just happened. We became a couple. I was at a point in my life where I was tired of short term relationships and just wanted something real for a change. She was beautiful. She had a daughter. I love kids with a passion. She was my best friend's baby mother. All of these reasons NOT to date her. But you should never judge a book by its cover.......We grew closer and closer to each other. "Are you at 10 yet? I'm at 8 right now." 10 meant that it was love. I will never forget the day she told me she loved me, and wanted to be in my arm forever. Forever is a long time right? I remember telling that my life was incomplete without her.

It happened so differently. Most people usually break up from lies and distrust and stuff like that. As she cried on the phone, she told me that she needed some time. In my mind, I'm thinking that we didn't break up, but her facebook status said otherwise. Then it hit me, as much as I wanted to cry that day, the tears never came out. God knows I tried and tried to cry, I just couldn't until the end of the year....We never made it to a year. Her feelings came back to her ex. A feeling that I knew existed, but didn't want to believe in. While I was trying everything I could to get her back, she was doing everything she could to get him back. I wanted her to see, that her ex was only gonna hurt her because that's all he did. He hurt her. It hurt me, to see her in pain. I was basically an emotional wreck for five months straight. Then my feelings for her began to fade slowly. I was at a point in my life, where I still waited for her, but didn't want it to seem like it. Soon enough they came back. All I could think about was why is she doing this to me. She's hurting me and doesn't realize it? I didn't know how to tell it to her, deep inside I was crying myself to sleep. I would wake up and have dreams about her everyday. I hated those dreams.....dreams that made me feel at my weakest point. There's a quote I remember....Sometimes its better to leave the glass shattered instead of hurting yourself trying to fix it. Something like that.......


Usually I would write a poem at the end of the blog, but this song explains it all.

I love you, no matter how different things may be.
It's time for me to finally let you go, so I can be free.
I can't cry any more. I need to live once again.
I was dead for nine months, hoping you would let me in.
But I stayed outside your window and watched you move on.
I tried to speak to you at night, I guess you couldn't hear my tone.
Whenever I dwell on life, I will always remember the joy we together.
It's almost the 17th and I'm no longer in your arms forever.
I'm gonna dry my eyes
Right after had my
One last cry. One last cry. Before I leave it all behind. I gotta put you outta my mind, for the very last time. Been living a lie. I guess I'm down to my last cry.

Episode 8: Teenage Love Affair

As we sing the lullaby, I'm just looking for the one who's more than right. Momma said she is somewhere in my sight. Don't make sense cause all I dated were nothing but lies. A dream and a wish is all I got, and I was wondering would you still be down to ride. See I love boojee women I ain't gotta lie, but I have to move on cause babe I'm tired.

Recharged ipod, I feel much refreshed to continue my long journey. How long will this energy last? I'm not too much worried about that. I just want to get it all out so I can start fresh on life. I realized life is really peaceful on the outside. Keeping so much caged in, you feel everything around moving so fast that you can't notice how relaxing the wind feels, or how clear the skies are. I can really appreciate the smaller things in life. You know that it's kind of sad, that when you are elder and know that your time will come soon to be with God, you begin to notice the little things in life. It's true.

My walk on campus, and I press play....and the song that reminds me of her plays.......

I remember when we 1st met. You were talking up a storm lol. I guess you were flirting with me, I don't know. After that day, I didn't know that we would ever speak or see each other ever again. The next day, your friend, who is also my friend told me that you thought I was cool. I was determined to find you on myspace. That was the time myspace was a legit website lol. It wasn't until towards our graduation month when I would find you again.

Talking to you, made me realized how much of a down to earth person you were. I began to like you. Our first date, was having lunch at McDonalds. lol romantic right? I will never forget, asking you out for a second date. Although I can't fully remember what we did, I just remember how my stomach felt when I asked you that day.

After a while, I felt kinda confident that we would be together, then you go back to your ex. I knew that you still loved him, and I told you that I'm happy for you. And I was. Our friendship/relationship was something so special and unexplainable. It's as if when we are not talking for a long time and reunite, something happens between us. I kind of came a conclusion, that I like you and you like me. We just never made us official. I'm okay with that. For now.

For some reason, I think we will be together in the near future. It's only meant to be. Our time just hasn't came yet. You can feel it. I can tell in our conversations, that you think the same. Right?  I often think of you, I see you on fb. I want to write you sometimes, but I'm not ready yet. I'm glad that when we hang out we both have a great time. It kind of makes me think about life in the future, just being an adult. I guess I'm not ready to grow up, if we haven't made us official yet.....But only in our moments together, I feel like I am ready.

I had to rewrite this part over because I wasn't satisfied with the lyrics.
this isn't a poem to be exact, I'm just hoping that while you read this, you can feel it.
How do I say what I feel about you without running you away?
I really like you but who knows what things may stay.
Will we ever get the chance to experience a relationship beyond just friends?
I know that you are living your life on one side and I'm living mine too.
We seem to reunite in the center where life seems cool.
What should we do about this? One thing I kind of regret
is never having our first kiss. I guess I'm too afraid.
Because I feel that things will never be the same.
For the better or for the worse?
Will it be a gift or will it be a curse?
Maybe you should kiss me first, I know it's the guy's job.
But I don't want to come at you like a jerk.
Love does hurt, we both know it first hand.
When I'm around you, I feel like I'm slowing becoming a man.
That God wants me to be. I have a different outlook on life.
For once I feel free.  Our next encounter will come soon, it always does.
We catch up on things and the question will definitely come up.
You will say, I can see myself in a relationship with you and I will say the same.
But for some reason, our relationship status never changed.
I know that well will be together. Or that's what I think will come.
I'm going to keep my heart towards the sun, and see where it will lead me.
Maybe to you. We'll see. Take care for now. until we meet again.
We are too far from the beginning and too far from the end.

Love, Live, Life

:::Byron Belle:::

Episode 7: Low Battery

I think I must be dreaming, that you are here with me. Must have died and gone to heaven, and it's all that I hoped it would be. When the eagles forget how to fly, when it's twenty below in July. And when violets turn red, and roses turn blue. I'd be still in love with you.


I guess it's time to take a break from the exes. My ipod is about to die. I guess it was something I needed anyways. I was almost at the point where I wouldn't be able to smile again. What's the point of smiling when you're all alone in this world?  Even the person with the biggest family feels alone. I gotta feeling that's gonna be a famous quote. It's true. Every day, I try to envision myself in the future with someone who is way beyond my expectations. Maybe the one I'm supposed to be with, has been in my face the whole time.  When I was dwelling on the past, I was thinking about the things I told my exes, and the things they told me.  I wonder if I really meant every word.  Well it doesn't matter, because it can't be proven anymore.

Forever is a scary word, can I really see myself with her forever? I don't know. I do know that at the moment I am with her, forever seems perfect until she's no longer there. I don't think I can believe it when a girl tells me forever. I realized that forever now has an expiration date. I'm pretty sure a lot of people can relate to it. The way I feel right now.....I just wanna get through college and live life peacefully until that special person comes in my life. Because I don't wanna get hurt again. I've been hurt too many times. I am happy when I don't have fear in heart that the one I care about dearly is out somewhere cheating on me, losing her feelings for me, or likes someone else.

I'm at the age where I just wanna live life how I always envision before the lost of love came into my life. I know most people wanna be famous, rich, and all the good stuff. But me, I wanna change the world without all the world on my back. I want my 15 seconds of fame for my accomplishments then I just wanna live life like everyone else.  Finally made it back to my place. Charging the ipod. Now I'm laying here, staring at the ceiling.

Can I Live? What all do I need to Live?
Money? Cars? Clothes? The finer things in life?
I just wanna live my life right. Whatever that may be.
I realize I see things, that most people can't see.
Like the red rose that grew from concrete.
Or like the feelings I feel that's within me.
I question so many things, that I never know the answer to.
How can a girl I barely know, say I love you.
Within weeks, I too was in love.
I'm too young for this, this pain is my addictive drug.
With the needle, I inject myself in the same spot.
I haven't overdosed yet, I wish I could stop.
You will never understand me. I can hardly understand myself.
Your tears that I've wiped away, was MY cry for help.
Yet again, I fall into the pains of your soul.
The pain that's within in you, now has me out of control.
So I give you my heart because your wasn't there.
All I wanna do, is prove to you I care.
I knew I was killing myself deep inside.
If loving and giving you my all was suicide. No doubt I was ready to die.
And did die, each and every time I gave you my heart.
Now I'm searching for life, in the midst of the dark.
Can I Live? Or is it time for me to rest in peace?
We'll find out if I don't wake up from this sleep.

Love,Live,Life

:::Byron Belle:::

Episode 6: Summer Love

When winter comes in summer, when there's no more forever. Yeah, that's when I'll stop loving you.  I'm sure you heard these words before, and you know it's hard for you to trust them once more. You afraid it all might end, and a broken heart is scared of breaking again. But you've gotta believe me, I'll never leave you. You'll never cry, long as I am there. And I will always be there. You will never be without love.

The burden gets heavier and heavier through each song. I'm still enjoying this beautiful breeze outside. With the next song playing, I just knew that she was going to be the one for me. I feel in love in a matter or months. I became territorial in a matter of hours. Why was my love for her moving so fast. It was just a few months ago, my last left me. She was the one that picked me up.  Right when I was in my prime of writing rhymes. When I blew up in the rap game, she was gonna be the girl I stayed with no matter what. But she was only my summer love........

I just finished my first year in summer school. I wasn't expecting to be in a relationship or even had the thought of girl being in my life. I was about to be in my prime. All I wanted to do was make music with my cousins. Put out a CD and see what happens then.  She was my girl cousin best friend and she wanted to talk to me. I was ecstatic, but at the same time, I wasn't expecting it to go this far. But it did. I was still writing music.  At this point in my life, the music I had in mind was not the music that represented who I was as person. I was one of those guys who was a follower. I got caught in the hype. But after my summer love left, I realized that I needed to find who I was as person.

What happened with us? Well for one, she lives in Boston, but has a house here too. She was supposed to move down here and go to my school and life would be great. The one I would lose my virginity to. She was gonna be my high school sweetheart.  We met once when we first started talking. I was too young to even drive, but that didn't stop me from trying my best to see her.  I never got that second chance until 2 years later. Maybe it was just summer love. I never knew what summer love was or how it worked. But I hate summer love.  You always hope to come back to that special person and pray that it will last. Maybe she will stay closer next year, or the next year. Will she ever stay?  She never moved down here.  She's still in Boston with a new boyfriend. Me? Well I'm still single, but that's life right? My mother always told me that I'll have a hundred girlfriends before I settle down with one. But what she doesn't realize, is that I'm tired. I just want a love that's real. Something that I can feel. A love that last. My relationships haven't last long enough to cherish any good moments. 

I don't even make music anymore, or I haven't made any in a long time. As much as I want to. Maybe she'll come back.  I haven't talked to my cousins in years. One of them is a father now, and I just want to do the music thing on my own. So whenever I find the motivation to do it, I will. But she's no where around for me to write any music.  That reminds me of a song, I heard. The lyrics went like it. Only thing I loved was my music, but bitch, you was my music. and to you stupid fuckin listeners, listen up. ___________ is my woman forever, and she don't give a fuck. I can call her bitch, it's not an insult. So don't make me interrupt this verse again yo! You're like a dream come true, music's a dream come true. I got dreams of music, you wanna see my dream come true?  I guess her and music became my summer love.

This just can't be summer love with you

I guess it was because I'm with who?

I wish just we could be something true.

Like I told you before, I love you.

But not like I used to. Here I stand, on both feet.

I just hope that I can wake up from my sleep.

My dreams slowly kill me, because I dream of her.

Why do all these women, wanna throw the good guy in the dirt?

Maybe I'm jerk. But deep down inside, like you, I'm tired of being hurt.

All I wanted to do was see you, even if it was just for 5 minutes of my life.

If you didn't know, that would have made my day or night.

Like the music that I listened to, I just can't love it anymore.

I can't even remember what we were fighting for.

If it wasn't love, what could it be? Maybe I'm still asleep.

Can someone please pinch me? Maybe I'll find peace through my tragic nightmares.

The way I feel about love? I don't even wanna be here. Be I don't care.

Until I press play, then I am me again with a simple smile on my face.

Laughing at my past, and thanking God that I'm still here.

I may not be as strong as I used to be, my mind heart is finally clear.

Love, Live, Life

:::Byron Belle:::

Episode 5: Unofficially Official

Misses so fly, crash lands in my room.  Can't waste no time, she might leave soon. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Don't say you will, you do.  Hey, hey, hey, hey. Don't say will, if you will. I pray you will.

The journey seems to get heavier with each song that plays. Right now, I'm able to manage this load, but soon it will get harder to walk.  After reminiscing about my first girl. I press play on the ipod and Kanye West-Say You Will plays...Some of the songs that reminded me of my exes are not even closely related lyric wise....it just happen to be the song, I had on repeat when they came in and out of my life.  This girl is someone special to me, even though we never actually made us official, we had a relationship.

Prior to our unofficial official relationship, we were just social friends. I would send her message and we would just talk about the current and left it at that. One day, I decided to chat with her through my hectic school schedule. Little did I know, she had more planned in our conversation than expected.  Now I find it very interesting when a girl gives you their phone number without you asking them.  I guess I didn't look at our friendship getting beyond just being friends because, like I said, I'm just the average Joe Schmo guy to public.  So when she gave me her number, I was thinking cool, new text buddy.  She actually called me. And we really kicked it off. I guess you can say, I played my part good. I kept a good, relaxed mind.

She was beautiful girl. Her senior year in high school. My freshmen year in college. I didn't know how this would work out, but hey, I'm willing to give it a shot.  She was my best friend's enemy. His ex-girlfriend best friend. Lol. It was pretty crazy because I was really feeling this girl at the time and I didn't know how he would react to that situation. But all in all was cool. surprisingly. I was just ending my first semester of college, still trying to stay sane in all of my insanity. We figured that we would be official by Christmas day. It wasn't said, but it was all implied.  I was ready, she was ready, but something completely turned that decision into a U-turn.  It was all my fault, I lost control and she ran.  I became so excited that I was talking to a really hot chick lol.  So me being the nerd I am, began to say things that I didn't know if I meant. I guess all I wanted was to have her heart, and when I knew that I had it. I could let mine go and give it to her.  It was only a few days before Christmas when she ran away.  My heart quickly became heavy, but I was emotionally unstable. I was more of a content soul. Just thinking about what had happened. Another lonely year for me. Another lonely Christmas. Only the beat plays to Say You Will.... the heartbeat still shows that I'm alive...my moment of peace has been found. I can relax and try again....but when and with who?

I apologize for my insecurity. Or my security that defined the purity that's deep within me.
Let's make amends only to see. That maybe, just maybe. That camp fire is still smoking from when we left.
I must admit, that our little incident kinda grabbed me by the neck.
Here I stand, another year. All alone. The only thing I have now is friends, family, and a cell phone.
We were so close, I could see the finish line right in front me.
We were side by side when you decided to run from me.
Now what's the point of racing when you're the last one in it?
Should I continue, or should I just give in and quit it.
I thank one music artist who gave me confidence to stay strong, because without it
I could've been another dead and gone. But they ALWAYS say, what doesn't kill makes you strong.
Not having that special kind of love from being alone, does kill you. It kills your mentally.
It takes you away from reality, because in your mind. Time stopped moving.
Sometimes I wanna say forget Love, because I'm always losing!
I thought these Love songs would be my cheat codes for the game.
Only to find out the I always lose the same. With the faith I have, I continue to master the cheats
So I know that the game, would be another defeat. And if so, I'll learn my past and make better for my future.
I wish you the best, my Unofficial Official Ex.  As for me, I have to start over fresh......

Love, Live, Life

:::Byron Belle:::

Episode 4: Taking a Trip Down Memory Lane

Do you remember, when we fell in love? We were young and Innocent then. Do you remember, how it all began? It just seemed like Heaven, so why did it end? Do you remember, back in the fall? We'd be together, all day long. Do you remember, us holding hands, in Each other's eyes? We'd stare (tell me). Do you remember the time, when we fell in love? Do you remember the time, when we first met? Do you remember the time, when we fell in love? Do you remember the time?

Where do I start with this? My mind is like a time bomb waiting to explode. Time to release some things I never let go. I feel like I need to observe some things in my past so I can understand what it is I'm understanding....yet again. These stories I have in my crate are my stories of my past relationships.....I only want to observe the ones that were most effective to me. This will take awhile, as I talk about the joys, the pains, the sunshine, and the rain. via Frankie Beverly and Maze. So before I depart on my journey to the past, I need to prepare. I think I'll pack light this time around, and wherever I end up, I'll camp there and start fresh for a need day. I feel like Forrest Gump when he just ran and ran and ran and ran, because he just felt like running. I don't think I can keep running so, I'm going to walk. No hitchhiking needed this time around, but my ipod is a must. It seems like every girl, I've dated, there was a song that reminded me of them, so this will be helpful in my journey. it's amazing how the same things that can help you can also hurt you..or even kill.....

As I stare out at the world, nothing is moving....it's quiet...the weather's perfect. Almost too good to be true. Not ready to press play, I just wanna walk and feel again.....have that feeling of sanity again in my mind. I may seem calm to others but in my head, I am on the verge of losing it. Who know's what may happen if I lose it? I just want to make sure that when I come back or if I ever come back, I'm here with right mind state I need to be in for my soul.

It's funny that I chose to wait before I listened to my ipod, because my first girl......there isn't a special song that reminded me of her....and it's not a bad thing because she was definitely someone special in my life.

My very first girlfriend, I can't believe that she remembers us...because it happened way back in daycare. The puppy love.  When I moved away, I never thought that we would ever meet again. I hit middle school, and I see her again, walking away in the distance.  All of the memories I remember of her. I thought what if we were together again? Would it be like it was back in the day? lol.  But after seeing her again, i didn't see her for another few years.  The next time we meet, it would be at a ball. My best friend wanted me to be her date. Then I see her........I'm speechless, don't know what to do...should I go speak to her? Does she even remember me? All of the thoughts that were running in my head that night? Then I came up with the perfect idea.....I'll look for her on Facebook, and talk to her from there! So I find her, and I write her and the first thing I said, you probably don't remember me.....and her reply was....actually I do remember you....Now we're friends, we talk very little....maybe because we are doing our own things in life at the moment, it's difficult to re-light any flames at the moment...because we never actually did break up, I just left.......

The trip down memory lane, from the joys to pains
to the songs that reminded me of you and you and you
how else can I remember the things you do?
You are definitely someone special to me
because you made me who I am
whenever your song came on, I always pictured us together at a specific moment in time
the moment that I wanted to last forever, only if we stayed together
then my dreams would come true. Now that you're gone.
I think of who? a new you. Someone who is or could be better than the last you
or are you all the same? Maybe we're all playing the game, or ya'll are playing without me
so you begin to we. what we have, had, could have, or could have had.
I'm not saying I'm mad, just sad that we never got to a point in our life that could last.
I can only learn from you and what you done to me. I will never change through all the hurt and tears
I will grow in Love each and every year. Just wait and you will see, that what I told you how I felt
will soon come true. because after I've been through all of the yous...my last you will be who?
It will be you. Whoever, wherever you are. Better than ever, but never too far.......

Love, Live, Life

:::Byron Belle:::

Episode 3: Love Songs

It seems like the signs are getting clearer, the time is getting nearer. I finally can hear ya, when you speak, as a whisper, through the wind. I want you to do it again, I'm your true blue friend, The music is when, I get to prove to you how true it begins. Where am I? Somewhere asking, "Where are you?" "Does your man care for you?" That's what I'm here to do. Spend a lifetime telling you how sweet you are. Through sex and questions, see how deep you are. I believe you are, I know you wouldn't say what you say, everyday if your word were just play. But you don't say much, it's all vibes. And it only looks real, when the crystal ball shines. Spending all time of the night in a day dream. Thoughts of you make me trip across time.

Another day is gone, and the same things always happen. Go to class, eat lunch, and go home.  My life has been a simple schedule for the past two years now. Well that's how long I've been single, but I've been having an affair with my ex, I don't think her boyfriend knows.  I feel kinda bad that I'm having sex with another man's girl, I would hate to be in his shoes....Well I've felt like that plenty of times before. You know right after the break-up. Your girl decides that she's ready "fuck" again, but it's not you.  It still feels like a low blow, because the feelings you had for her are still strong.  But now that I've moved on with my life, sex is sex to me now.  But like I was saying, my life has been a complete schedule for the past two years.

On the way to my apartment, I decided that I would try something different.  It's a three day weekend, mostly everyone is going home and I just want to go through my old music collection. So I arrived to apartment, and quickly I turn on the radio and I place my headphones over my head.  The first song that comes on is, "Come Close" by Common. All of sudden, I'm laying on the floor zoned out, just thinking of the good relationships, the bad relationships, and the relationships that had potential of being something.  It's amazing what music can do to you mentally. I feel like God and music made me the person I am today.  My family paid a big role, but God and music, was the IT factor for me.

I remember being a kid, listening to all the love songs, I just knew that I had the answer to what love is and what I can do for my future girlfriend.  Sometimes, the good love songs talked about the potential of perfect love.  For example, I remember Tyrese-Sweet Lady song asking the girl would you be mine.  The girl in the song sounded perfect, she was the one.  I never knew, at my age, that women had flaws just like men. As far as women being hurt by men. I found out men gets hurt as well.  But Love songs, just have something special in them that doesn't show the process of growing in relationships. Maybe they do, I don't know. I was more focused on, how to love a woman and I can honestly say, that everything I know and have shown, came from the Love songs I grew up on.

Some Love Songs, just send chills down your spine because it feels so real. Just imagine your life being a musical and one song comes on while you are with the woman or man of your dreams.  You will definitely over look all the lies, arguments, and negatives in the relationship.  You would hope that a relationship would be perfect.  Sometimes when I picture myself with the girl of my dreams, wherever/whoever you are, I just know that I will have a special gut feeling in my stomach.  The kind of feeling you have when you feel like something is wrong, but that would be time when that gut feeling is for the best.  That's how I feel about true love.

I picture myself before marriage, having this special friendship/relationship with the woman of my dreams that every time I am with her, nothing in the world matters but our moment. Enjoying life without the fast lanes in our view. Maybe I've been watching too many love stories.  But then again, if we never had these stories, how are we able to express love? Do they express love the right should be the question to ask?

As I'm lying here, headphones blasting
I go into a zone, that is all about passion
In this zone, it teaches me, shows me what love's potential may be
I ask my ancestors (music), to come and please save me
I know how to love now, but can someone appreciate what I have to give?
Sometimes I feel like my love is dead, and I ask and ask, Can I live?
No matter how far I go, see no matter how long it takes
No one or nothing can change, forever whoever, wherever you are. Here I stand.
If these Love songs are right about love, then how can I go wrong.
well I've been wrong, since day one. Because yet and still, I haven't found that ONE
Maybe I'm too young to even consider settling down.
I know I'm not the only one who thinks their time is now.
In each relationship, we all think he or she is it.
We love them so much, we love to put up with the bullshit.
It's true, love will make you do some crazy crazy things
Love will make you have some crazy dreams.
Love is what love does, so that means love is everything
Now as I doze off fast asleep, the last love song plays......

Love, Live, Life

:::Byron Belle:::